Shattered Hearts and Fading Memories
by TeamCullen104
Summary: At her birthday party, Bella is bitten by Jasper before Edward can stop him. Edward transforms her before she dies, but when she wakes up, he's gone with no intention to return. When will he come back and how do Bella and Alice survive without him?
1. Pain

Pain. Inexplicable pain. It coursed through me like wildfire, burning every last inch of my body. It left no place unscathed or untouched. I felt each nerve ending in my body like a fiber optic strand, illuminated by the blaze that was stealing away my life. I had something to live for, something to fight for, but it was overshadowed by my immense suffering. The pain I was enduring was bigger, much bigger. This must be what death feels like -- I must be dying. I recalled feeling something like this once before, last time I'd almost died. I told my left hand to move to my right wrist to trace the scar James's bite left, but my arm didn't move. It must already be burnt in the fire.

I'd always believed that images of my life would flash before my eyes as I died. Renee had told me that once when I was little, and I remember telling her I hoped I'd see her in my flashbacks. But I didn't see her face at all; I didn't see anything.

I also imagined that death would be quicker. Now that I know the cause of my death, I was disappointed in the ability of the fire to quickly spread to the critical organs, the ones that are keeping me alive now. My skull had to be ready to give way by now. The fire on my chest seemed to consume my heart, but it wasn't rendering it useless. Maybe I was meant to suffer before I died. I wouldn't doubt it – no one would be allowed to have such a remarkable other half _and_ get to die a peaceful death.

Edward. That's what I was fighting for, I remember now. But the pain is withstanding, not backing down from my pitiful fight. If I wasn't too close to death to save, he'd be working his hardest to save me. But I didn't feel his cold hands on me. I'd feel them like an oasis in the Sahara if his icy hands were embracing my scorching body. He'd given up too, just like I had.

Our time together had been perfect. I'd never believed in perfect love. Charlie and Renee divorced when I was so young, and their love was far from perfect. Divorce seemed rampant in all of the families of my friends in Phoenix, common almost, like all marriages were destined for divorce. Edward changed that for me. I'd never felt so connected to a single person in my life. We completed each other. I know, gag me, right? It's true though. He was my everything.

Funny, I lived exactly eighteen years of my life. I remember it was my birthday. Alice had thrown a ridiculous party for me complete with cake they wouldn't eat and presents I didn't ask for. Alice promised she'd keep it small, but she had lied. Edward kept his word not to get me anything.

Oh, right. Then there was Jasper. That stupid paper cut. He'd smelled my blood and had lost control. I remember smelling his breath on my face as his head dove down toward my neck. His perfect white teeth bit into my flesh before Edward ripped him away. The cake had fallen and maybe that's what set the house on fire. Esme would be so disappointed; she'd put her heart and soul into that house. Edward's extensive CD collection would be lost, and all of Carlisle's books would be nothing but ashes.

I was the only thing lost tonight that was irreplaceable.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for death to wash over me. I imagined the grim reaper with his scythe leaning over me, examining me. He'd be scratching his chin, laughing, trying to determine when the right time to take me was. I hoped it was soon. I couldn't handle much more of this excruciating pain.

I lay paralyzed for an unquantifiable amount of time; it felt like years. Eventually, the pain subsided. The fire wasn't getting any smaller, so that must mean my life was drifting from my body – I was finally going to die. I thought about saying goodbye, but I knew it was useless. I couldn't make my mouth move, and no one would be around to hear me anyway. I hoped they'd gotten out of the fire, but I laughed at the thought of them not. They're fast, ridiculously fast. No fire could have ever caught them.

The pain eventually left, escaping me like the last bit of oxygen being sucked out of my lungs, though a tiny bit remained at the back of my throat as a reminder of what separated me from my life. My heart had stopped beating, my blood stopped flowing, and I no longer needed to breathe. I had passed on to the other side.

It was dark over on the other side. I couldn't see or feel anything. I couldn't even move. If this is what Edward was worried about missing out on, he would surely be disappointed. My limbs still refused to work, and my vocal chords were stuck, burnt by the fire that remained in my throat. There must be no talking in the afterlife. This felt like detention. I imagined Mr. Banner sitting behind his desk, grading papers or something, watching to make sure I didn't say anything. I really wished he'd turn the lights on though.

My time in detention lasted a few more forevers, just lying there, speechless and immobile. Just as I was ready to concede that this was my destiny until the end of time, I began to see light filtering into my line of vision. Something was getting brighter and brighter, and I fixed my eyes on the face of my new detention victim.

Alice! My eyelids popped open. They were all there. I was amazed that the afterlife included my favorite vampire family too. Had they all died in the fire? Surely not. I sat up in a state of confusion. I was moving again? I looked around the room, desperately searching for the one person I wanted more than the world. He wasn't there.

"Alice? Where am I?" I didn't recognize the room surrounding me, only the people in it. It was darker than the Cullen house where I was before I died.

"Bella, honey, you're safe, here, with us." She placed her hand on the side of my face, but it wasn't cold like it used to be. We had all died, except Edward. We'd left him alone.

"I'm so sorry every--" Someone else's voice was speaking over mine, but saying the same words. It sounded strange, but remarkably beautiful. I tried again. "I'm so sorry…" Same thing, someone's melodious voice was saying the same things I was.

"I'm so sorry everyone; I didn't mean to cause everyone to die. I should have been more careful." It sounded so songlike and harmonic. I felt like I was sobbing, but tears weren't falling. My tear ducts must have been burnt too.

"Bella, Bella, what are you talking about? No one is dead, you silly girl. Everything is fine." Alice's smile was calming and her voice as honey-sweet as ever, but she wasn't making sense.

"What do you mean no one is dead? I was killed in a fire, in your house, on my birthday!" Everyone was looking at me sympathetically, like I was making this up. "Can someone tell me why this voice is talking over my own?" Maybe this is what I sounded like in the afterlife.

Alice smiled again, this time it didn't seem as sweet to me, because I was entirely frustrated. What was wrong with these people? Why were they all going Stepford Wives on me?

She spoke: "Bella, ummm, how do I explain this…" Jasper ducked his head and stepped behind her, wrapping his arms around the front of her waist.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I lost control, and I…bit you, on the neck. You were too far gone to suck the venom out, so Edward changed you. I'm so sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to." He ducked his head again; ashamed of what he did to me.

It took me a minute to comprehend his words. Edward changed me. Into a vampire. I looked down at my skin, smooth and perfect. I reached up to my face, it felt the same. My brown hair still fell past my shoulders. I spoke: "It's my voice isn't it. That's what I sound like as…" I couldn't finish.

Alice tilted her head to the side, and smiled consolingly, "As a vampire." I nodded at her, thanking her for finishing the sentence I couldn't make my mouth speak.

I sat silently for a while, taking in my new surroundings, mostly focusing on the familiar faces I called my family. They were even more beautiful than before: Rosalie's hair more silky and blonde, the indentations of Emmett's strong arms more defined than before, Carlisle's eyes more soft and caring than before. And everyone smelt wonderful.

Suddenly, I frantically searched again for the face that was perfectly sculpted and beyond faultless before. I longed to see how much more beautiful he was now that I could see with impeccable vision. I can't imagine him being any more stunning than before. I scanned the room several times, but he wasn't there.

"Alice, where is…where is Edward?" My hope was destroyed as the look on her face dropped. She was no longer smiling her perfect Alice smile.

"Bella, he left for…for a bit. We think he'll be back soon." Her lip quivered on the last syllable, forfeiting her believable tone.

"Alice. You're lying to me. Where is he?"

She broke down, "I don't know, Bella!" She dropped her face into her hands and spoke in choppy, sob-filled breaths, "He ran, he ran and hasn't decided where he's going. He left us, and I don't know if he'll come back."

My fingers curled around the edge of Carlisle's medical table that I was sitting on, effectively crushing the metal into the shape of my hand. I paid little attention to my new-found strength, focusing more on the fact that my life, my world had left me and this family. He ran. He doesn't want me now that I'm a vampire. His Bella is gone, so he left. I let my body fall heavily back on to the table, leaving an imprint of my elbows, shoulders, and head into the metal that crushed like cotton below me.

I laid there for days, weeks, leaving only to hunt, to pacify the burning that now lived in the back of my throat. Hunting was easy the first few times, but everything in my life was mechanical now – I was going through the motions. I hated what I was, because Edward hated what I was. I didn't want to see with flawless precision, or hear the pulse of my dinner half a mile away. I wanted to feel what I felt when he was near me, when he held me, but most importantly, I missed what I felt when he kissed me. I'd never have that back for as long as I lived as a vampire, which from what I understood, was an extremely long time.


	2. Baby Steps

Months and weeks went by with no trace of him. I didn't move from my Bella-shaped impression that was permanently engraved into the metal table. For the first few weeks, my new family begged and pleaded, encouraging me to get up and move around – flex my new muscles, but after a while they all gave up. All except Alice.

"Please Bella, I can't just watch you lay here like this. You need to get up and move around, and not just to eat."

What was there to do? My heart was ripped out of my chest and was somewhere with Edward, running away from me in an unknown direction. I couldn't see Charlie for fear that I would suck him dry of the blood that ran through his veins. He, Jacob, and the rest of Forks believed me to be dead. It wasn't a hard lie to tell, since I spent 85 percent of my time lying on this god-forsaken metal table in the dungeon-like basement of the Cullen compound. That's what it felt like, a prison.

I said very few words, but rather lied on my back and stared at the ceiling. I had no reason to live and no means to kill myself. I silently wished that I had been killed that night, that Jasper just continued feeding until I was empty and pale. That would have been the preferable fate to this one.

Alice bided the time at my side by telling stories. Stories of people she'd met, things she'd learned. Sometimes she read to me, other times she just stroked the length of my face with her tiny hands. I felt bad for her; I knew I was making her miserable. But any words that I would have spoken would have only made her sadder.

The loss of her brother was taking a toll on her too. She'd sob at night out on the back porch of the house where she thought no one could hear. I could hear, and I could sympathize. She and Edward were extremely close, closer than most brothers and sisters who were actually blood related rather than venom related. They were probably closer than any other two Cullens were, and she felt empty without him.

I could hear my family speak, up the stairs and through the hallway. Sometimes they spoke of me, and their concerns for my condition. Other times they spoke of Edward and what they could do to get him back. I knew the truth though, he wasn't coming back. He didn't want me, not like this.

Months went on like this, lying in a miserable stupor, listening to Alice hopelessly talk to me. I continued to listen, but with no response. I grew to like Alice's company – sometimes her words and stories did well to rid me of his memory for a few moments until silence fell again, and his face and voice consumed me again.

When I was a human, sleep was my solution to everything. Sleeping was a way out of dealing with the horrible things in life, the one time it was easy to forget about my problems, and dream that they were all solved. In my new life, I was deprived of even that concession.

It was a dreary afternoon in September -- September 13th to be exact -- when I decided that life had to go on. I had remained silent and motionless on that table for exactly a year, and that was enough. My new reason for living was Alice and her alone. Her constant presence at my side was dedication enough to decide that I could do this for her. I'd never be the same Bella, the complete, happy Bella I was before he left, but I wouldn't let him break me, not forever.

I was alone in the basement when I decided it was time. I could hear their voices upstairs, talking in hushed whispers about something I couldn't make out, but I knew it must be about me. I sat up slowly, making sure all of my limbs still worked. They were perfect. I had yet to see myself in the mirror, but I didn't want to. Not now, not ever. All I would see is the woman that he didn't want. And that was despicable to me.

I slowly climbed the endless stairs that would enter into the living room where my family sat. I didn't want to make a grand entrance; I just wanted them to know I was mobile again, no questions, no comments. As I broke the plane of the door frame, I closed the door behind me and leaned my back against the door, shutting my anger, pain, and the last year of my pathetic existence down in that dreary basement. I'd never again go down into that dungeon, not once, for as long as I existed.

I took a few steps forward into the living room where everyone sat. I slowly sat down next to Alice on the couch, and rested my head on her shoulder. "Thank you, Alice." I couldn't force a smile, not yet.

"Anytime, Bella. I'll always be here for you." I cringed at her words, wishing she'd take them back. I wouldn't believe those words, ever, from anyone, again. "I'll never leave you, just like I didn't leave you down there alone." She cupped her hand on my cheek and kissed the top of my head, and that was it. No one else spoke a word about my sudden and unexpected participation with my new family.

Life went on as usual, until eventually, I was almost whole again. I conceded that I'd never be completely whole again, most importantly missing my heart. But I did my best to be a functional person, not just a mechanical zombie. Things got better slowly, and I gradually felt comfortable in my surroundings, living with a family that I finally called my own.

Alice was crocheting a pink and purple scarf at the foot of the couch that I was lying on, while I was reading a book I'd borrowed from Carlisle on existentialism, when she first spoke of him to me.

"Do you still miss him, Bella?" I slowly lowered my book, taking a deep breath before answering her question. I tried to keep all of the features of my face from turning into a scowl.

"Of course I do, Alice. Every day of my life." Saying it aloud wasn't nearly as painful as I'd expected, but it still made the hole in my chest where my heart used to be sting like saltwater to a wound.

She didn't look up from her crocheting needles to meet my gaze, "I do too." She was silent for another twenty pages of the book I was reading until she asked her next painful question: "What do you miss the most about him?"

Again, I lowered the book slowly, hesitating for a moment to pick the one single thing out of the million that I missed the _most_ about the most perfect man in the world. "I miss his crooked smile the most. You know the one that he'd use when he thought he was funny."

She laughed, actually laughed. Not a giggle, an actual guffaw. Her reaction to my answer made me do something I hadn't done since he left. I felt it coming up my stomach and into my throat. I almost didn't recognize it as it left my mouth: I laughed with her. Actually laughed. It was such a shock that Carlisle poked his head around the corner from the kitchen to make sure we were okay.

We were still laughing together as she threw her yarn and needles onto the table and walked over to wrap me in her arms. We hugged for what felt like an hour, laughing at the image of that crooked smile on that beautiful boy that we were incomplete without. It was a therapeutic laughter – with it, escaped so much of the built up pain and anger that we'd been harboring in the year and a half that he'd been gone.

When we finally let go of each other, she picked up her crocheting needles and yarn and began rapidly adding rows to the scarf with speed only a vampire could manage. I held my book in my lap, not yet opening it again. I watched her work for a few seconds before I asked her, "What do you miss most about him?"

She turned her head toward me thoughtfully, "I miss him playing the piano. He was the best pianist I'd ever met."

I nodded and hesitated before speaking again, "Do you ever look for him?"

She smiled wistfully, "I do. I see him quite often actually, but he never stays in one place long enough for us to go to him. When he makes decisions on where to stay, I see him briefly, but he always moves again the day after."

I nodded again; amazed at all of the work it took for him to stay away from me. I opened my book again, and no other words were spoken of him that evening. She had opened the flood gates though, and made me realize that I was capable of speaking about him without falling apart. That I could think of him without losing the will to function again. That was almost comforting.

I decided that evening to learn to play the piano. No one had sat at that bench since he left, and it was such a beautiful instrument that needed to be played. I mostly hoped that it would provide some comfort to Alice, but I was also afraid it would do more harm than good.

I also committed to do something I hadn't done – actually no one had done -- since he left. The next morning after Alice, Jasper, and I went hunting, I decided to bite the bullet. It was time. I grabbed the railing of the staircase with my left hand and slowly ascended taking one step at a time. When I reached the landing of the third story, I stopped. I stared at the door for a few minutes before taking the necessary steps it took to reach the doorknob. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

His room was exactly how he had left it. Every CD case in place, all of the books lined up neatly. The computer was off and the couch was empty. The gold carpet sunk under my feet as I made my way into the room, running my fingers along the dust that had built up on each of the shelves. I sat on the couch for a few moments, taking in his scent that laced everything in this room. I breathed him in, remembering what it felt like to hold him, to kiss him, to breathe in his breath. I rested my head on the back of his couch with my eyes closed, recalling to memory what it was like when he was here. All of my memories of him were dim and dull, paling in comparison to the memories I had after my transformation, after he left. The weight of his absence crushed me, and my lack of crystal clear memories of him affected me most of all. How could I live this life with dull memories of the most beautiful man I'll ever meet? It was unjust, downright unfair.

I sat up quickly, willing myself to shake off the sadness. I walked over to his bookshelf, intent on getting what I came in here for, and grabbed one of his many piano books. I grabbed the thickest one, hoping it would keep me busy long enough so that I wouldn't have to come in here any time soon.

As I walked passed his desk toward the door I noticed an envelope. Its face was empty and white aside from his perfect handwriting in the center. I read it over and over, making sure that I was reading my name correctly. He'd left me a note, and it had been laying here for more than a year, untouched and unread. I picked it up and studied it carefully. I slipped it in between the pages of the book I held in my hand where it would remain until I decided if I was strong enough to read it.

I drifted back down stairs, unaware of my movements until I sat down quietly at the piano. Alice was sitting on the couch with her head resting on Jasper's leg. He was explaining to Alice what his house looked like as a child back in Galveston. They did this regularly, this sharing of past memories, to ensure that they never lost them in the haze that clouded human memories. He'd tell her all about his childhood, his family, his life in Texas. Alice listened patiently, laughing at all of the right parts, and smiling at the particularly sweet recollections.

I took a deep breath, trying to deny the fact that one day, I would lose the visions of Edward to the haze that overtook most of my human memories. I'd already lost a few, mostly from my distant childhood in Phoenix, but I didn't care about those. I cared about Edward, and I knew I always would.

I blurted it out, unaware that I intended to say anything, "He has a scar right above his left eye. It's tiny, but if you look closely, you'll see it."

Jasper stopped mid-sentence and both he and Alice focused their eyes on me, sitting alone at the piano. If I still had blood running through my veins, I would have blushed that deep crimson that he loved. I wish more than anything I could. I ducked my head and fingered the edge of the envelope sticking out of the top of the piano book; the envelope that contained his last words to me.

I knew Alice and Jasper thought I was crazy, obsessed with a man that didn't want me. I knew he didn't want me, but I couldn't, and really didn't want to let him go. I kept my head down as I mumbled my apology, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

Alice's smooth voice rang out over the vast living room like a wind chime, "He always slanted his eyebrows and wrinkled his nose when I called him Edward Anthony." I heard the smile curl her lips when she said his name. Her remark surprised me; I thought for sure they'd just ignore me and keep talking between themselves.

I looked up and met her soft gaze. "The day after he hunted, his eyes matched the golden highlights in his hair almost perfectly."

Alice responded, "I could always tell the kind of mood he was in by what music he was listening too. When he would just get back from seeing you, it would always be sappy love songs. That's how I first knew he loved you." Her words cut like jagged rocks on a glass lake, but I didn't want to stop. This was the only way I'd keep him close to me.

"Fifties music was his favorite, and he hated the sixties and the seventies." I smiled, remembering the ride home in my truck the day we first visited the meadow. Our meadow. I imagine it's overgrown and dense with weeds. The grass was probably dry and the trees probably obstructed the sunlight from reaching the forest floor. That's what I felt like, and I assumed it mirrored something of that nature.

"He smelled like honey, lilac, and sun."

"He used to sing me to sleep, but he'd always put a blanket between us so I didn't get cold during the night."

Alice laughed again, "He never left your bedside, you know. Even if we needed him here, he'd never leave you."

I felt my whole body slump as my mind processed the words she'd just spoken. "Right," I said bitterly, "But he left me when I needed him."

Alice came over to the piano bench, sitting down on the tiny portion remaining on my left. She put her arm around me and kissed my cheek, leaving her chin resting on my shoulder. "He loved you, Bella. He loved you more than anything he'd experienced in his entire life. I truly believe he will come back for you, he has to. Until then, I'll stay with you for as long as you want, sharing stories of our time with him." She sighed, her breath sweeping my face with her aromatic scent. She turned her head to rest it on my shoulder and she whispered, "I don't want you to forget him either."

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so I know a lot of you feel like I'm leaving out critical details about Bella's transformation, but keep in mind that she loathes everything to do with being a vampire, because she believes that's the reason Edward left -- so it's not exactly exciting or interesting to her. Things will get better soon. :) And yes, there will be some yummy Edward in Shattered Hearts, so be patient. :)**

Thanks for reading, and I'd LOVE to hear what you think!


	3. Holding On

A/N: Thank you for reading Shattered so far. I'm really enjoying writing, and I hope you're enjoying reading. :)

* * *

When I'd decided a last September that I'd be a functioning part of society, Esme had guided me up to a bedroom that she'd set up for me. It had a bookshelf full of my favorite Austen and Bronte novels, as well as all of the other classics I loved, a shelf of CDs that was put to shame by the extensive collection in the bedroom next to mine, a couch, and a desk. She'd made it clear that I had a hefty budget that I was expected to spend in efforts to make this bedroom feel like home. Nothing would ever feel like home without him. That was the first and last time I'd entered that room.

The truth was: I didn't want to be here, not really. I loved Alice and the rest of the Cullens, and it was true, they did make my life as a vampire easier, but I was nothing without Edward, and everything in my new life was laced with his memory. But where else did I have to go. I wasn't allowed to leave, for fear that someone would see me and tell Charlie that I was in fact alive. It had been a long time since I'd seen Charlie, and I miss him. Add that to the long list of reasons I hated my life as a vampire.

I usually spent the majority of my time downstairs. With sleep being unnecessary, I discovered that I had ample amounts of time to kill – I spent most of mine reading. Every other hobby was tainted, evwith his presence: running reminded me of the first time he ran with me hanging on for dear life on his back, hunting was more necessity than fun, music was absolutely off limits. At least books let me live someone else's life for a while.

I spent the night following the discovery of the letter lying on the floor of Edward's bedroom. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't go back in there, and had even convinced myself that I didn't want to, but I determined quickly that I couldn't fool myself. Being in his room, lying on his plush, gold carpet made me feel like he wasn't gone; that he'd never left me. I could smell the honey/lilac/sun scent that Alice had described to me – I'd never associated that with him because of my subpar, human sniffing abilities. Everything was the same except the envelope that was missing from his desk; the envelope that was pleading for me to open it; the envelope with his final words to me.

I sat up quickly, pulling the letter into my lap. I turned it over slowly, examining it like it was evidence at a crime scene. I knew I wasn't strong enough to read it, to digest and accept the contents of his parting goodbye. I knew it would only make it worse, but I didn't know how much longer I could go on without knowing, without hearing his excuses for leaving me alone and broken.

Part of me didn't want to read it. Ever. It was satisfying to feel as though the Edward and Bella chapter of my life wasn't closed yet. It was as though the letter I held in my hand was the final chapter of the book, and if I didn't read it, that meant the book didn't have to end.

Prior to Alice's revelation that she believed that he would come back for me, I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my eternal existence. I would never find another Edward, it simply didn't exist, so I wasn't planning on wasting my time searching. Alice's thoughts gave me a new sense of hope. A hope that maybe after years of searching, he'd never find a human he'd love more than he loved me; maybe that would make him settle for the vampire version. A hope that of all of the beautiful vampires in the world, he'd come back to me. It was irrational, yes, but I didn't know if I was ready to give up on something I wanted so bad yet. I placed the letter back in my pocket.

I stood up after four hours of self-pity and felt the letter burning in my hand. I contemplated what it meant if I read it, and wondered if my wrecked heart could handle its contents. After a few minutes, I walked over to the desk, the desk that he sat at and wrote this final farewell to me, and ran my hand along the back of the chair -- the last place he'd sat before he'd left, the place he sat knowing he was going to destroy me. The desk was cluttered, not neat like Edward usually was. He must have been in a hurry to leave. I picked up some pencils and placed them back in the desk drawer. I shuffled some of the papers around, attempting to pile them into a neat stack. As I gathered all of the mostly empty sheets of paper, I uncovered a picture frame lying face down on the desk. I swallowed the venom that was pooling on my cold tongue, and lifted the silver frame. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I looked at the picture of Edward smiling at the camera with his arm wrapped around the human version of the girl he used to love. He was perfect, I was plain. He was happy, I wanted more. Now I'm here, and he's gone. I took the picture out of the frame and put it in the back pocket of my jeans along with the unread letter.

I took a deep breath and walked into the empty hall outside of his bedroom. I closed the door gently behind me, immediately missing the refreshing scent of the vampire that previously inhabited that room. I headed down the stairs, allowing a slight smile at the agility that I'd acquired in the transformation. I could finally walk down stairs without stumbling or faltering. He'd be so proud.

The living room was empty: Carlisle was at the hospital again, saving the world, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie had gone to Port Angeles for a movie, and Esme was buried away in her office three stories up. I welcomed the alone time. It was a nice break from having people hover over me, studying me like a science experiment. I do wish sometimes that I could leave the Cullen compound. It felt almost claustrophobic being locked up in this house; the fact that it was the biggest house I'd ever inhabited in my life was irrelevant.

I slid down the piano bench that had been empty for over a year except for my brief use of it yesterday, and placed my hands on the keys like Edward used to. I'd learned to read music as a kid, but I'd never played the piano. I opened the book that was still on the sleek, black grand piano, and read a little of the first page I'd turned to: Fur Elise. I counted the keys over from middle C and placed my fingers on the first notes of the treble clef.

I was terrible. They say that during your transformation into a vampire, you bring qualities or traits that you had as a human, and they're magnified as a vampire. My hand eye coordination must have been one of those.

The connection I felt to that piano, those keys, Edward's fingers, Edward's soul was undeniable. I'd sat for hours and watched him play, and sitting here, the same place he and I had coexisted at one time, was magical. It was like I could still hear him playing for me, playing the lullaby he'd hummed to me every night in my sleep. I could see his fingers effortlessly sliding over the ivory keys, and the pure elation in his facial features that only existed with pure happiness. I felt his presence all around me, a sense of pride that his beautiful piano was playing once again.

I played for hours that day. I played until my family came back from Port Angeles, afraid that if Alice saw me playing at her brother's piano she'd get upset or angry, I wasn't sure which. She flitted into the front door, and headed straight toward the couch where I had planted myself when I heard Rosalie's car turn off of the highway.

"I brought movies, fingernail polish, makeup, and all the fun things that vampires do at slumber parties." She was absolutely giddy, and I knew, for the hundredth time in my life, that there was no escaping the slumber party train when Alice was in the driver's seat. She pulled out card games, board games, every colored nail polish in the book, slippers, new pajamas, and a plethora of movies, none of which were romantic chick-flicks and for that, I was thankful. The last thing she took out was a leather-bound journal, which she handed to me. "I thought we'd write down our favorite memories of him. You know, just something we could revisit from time to time."

I looked down at the book and smiled. "It's perfect, Alice. Thank you." I cradled the book to my chest, accepting that this would be the closest thing I'd have to Edward for all of eternity, and I would guard it with my life. "Alice?" She paused from her rummaging and scattering of all of the things she had brought home. "You'll write in it too, won't you?"

"Of course. We'll share joint custody." She smiled and brushed a lock of my hair out of my face.

"Thanks." It really was the perfect gift.

"Now," Alice spoke loudly and with finality. I knew I was about to be given instruction for the events of the night. "You go get all of the pillows out of my room, I'll get the movies set up and pick out the new color of your toenails. Hurry, hurry!"

I hopped up off the couch with faked enthusiasm and hurried up the stairs and into Alice's room. I grabbed every pillow in sight and closed the door behind me. I hesitated at the second floor landing before climbing up to Edward's room again. I snuck in silently, and grabbed a gold pillow used as decoration on his black, leather couch. As I turned to leave his room, I noticed a folded piece of paper on the floor that wasn't there when I was here earlier. I put the pillows down and picked up the note.

Thank you for playing the piano today, it was lovely. It was such a great sound to hear music in the house again. I hope you continue playing, he would have loved it.

-- Esme

I smiled as I slipped the note into the pocket of my jeans, gathered all of the scattered pillows, and raced down the stairs to join Alice for girl's night in.

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A/N: I know, I know. He's still not back yet. Stay tuned... :) And if you feel so inclined, please review -- it makes me want to write more when people are actually enjoying the story. Thanks!


	4. Remembering Him

**A/N: Here's Chapter 4! Hope you enjoy! **

**Also, I'm looking for some good recs, so if you know of any awesome fanfics, or are especially proud of your own, please PM the title to me! :)**

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I played the piano every chance I got. I know it should seem like I had an endless amount of time to play, but I only played when Alice was gone for fear of upsetting her. Being at the piano was like an escape to me; an escape back to a time and place where Edward existed and I held his delicate heart in my clumsy hands. When I played, I played for him, and I knew regardless of how terribly my novice fingers played, he would have been so proud. Sometimes I felt him, his presence, sitting next to me on the bench, and I would move over, giving him room to sit close and listen to the keys.

Today, Alice was home, so playing piano was out of the question. It was grey and rainy out, typical of the hell hole that was Forks, Washington. I lounged on the couch for a good portion of the morning, watching whatever football game Emmett was watching and writing in the notebook Alice had gotten for me. I wrote in my notebook all the time. I referred to it as my Edward Journal, and Alice even cut the letters out of a magazine and decorated the front of it. The first entry was the picture I'd stolen from the frame in his room. I didn't write any words in that entry, because I couldn't think of anything worthy enough to describe his perfect face, so I just left it blank.

Alice made entries too, but most of them were memories she had of the time before I met Edward, things I wouldn't remember. It was nice though, reading her happy times with him, even if I wouldn't remember them. Her idolization of her brother was rare and beautiful. The words she wrote were perfect, and the images she spoke of shot off of the pages like paintings. Alice had a gift for writing, which made the stories that much more sentimental.

She and I would often talk when we found ourselves alone together. We'd become best friends since my transformation, mostly because she was the only friend I had. Rosalie was cold, colder than usual, toward me since she blamed Edward's absence on my existence. I couldn't fault her for it, because I agreed with her, so we just had some sort of messed up silent truce. Emmett was withdrawn from me as well, partially because I was pretty much a walking sort of zombie and partially because he always took Rosalie's side. He was cordial enough, just not like the older brother he used to be to me. Jasper did his best to manipulate my emotions to make me less of a heartbroken disaster, but he avoided me for the most part. His overwhelming guilt for bringing this upon me has kept him at bay. I'm not angry with him, nor do I hate him, but it's probably best for both of us to keep our distance. Carlisle is _always _at the hospital since Dr. Snow quit a few months back, and the human resource disaster at the hospital has yet to replace him. I miss him the most of all of the Cullens, aside from the obvious.

Carlisle was the most understanding after my transformation, being that he'd gone through the same thing I'm going through -- an intense desire to die. Before he got so busy, he'd come down to my cell of solitude in which I spent the first year of my supernatural existence, and share with me his feelings shortly after his transformation and some of the things that helped him through it. I said little or nothing in response, but his stories and recollections were somewhat beneficial, and I was grateful for his attempts to make me feel better.

I chewed on the cap of the pen, eventually cracking in into small pieces. I wasn't totally comfortable with my super-human strength just yet, and often destroyed things more often than I meant to. I put the pen to the paper and began writing. I'd never written something as personal as I was doing now, and was a little self-conscious about letting Alice read about the first time her brother kissed me, but it was the number one thing I didn't want to forget; the way his cold lips were hard but gentle against mine, his caution and hesitation as he moved his face closer, the obvious relaxation he felt once he realized he could kiss me without wanting to drink my blood. As I wrote all of this down, I wondered what it would be like for him to kiss me now, how much more passionate and unrelenting our lips would be against each other, how my tongue could aggressively linger his mouth. I imagined lightly sucking his lip into my mouth and tasting his kiss on my tongue.

I closed the book and reminded myself that I'd never know. I'd never know what it would be like to kiss him with all of the passion I felt for him. I'd never know what it would be like to become one with him. I wished more than anything, at this moment, that I had those memories to write in my journal. I placed the pen and the Edward Journal on the table and went to my new sanctuary. I stayed in his room, on his couch, for most of the afternoon, imagining what it would be like to have him here with me. What we'd spend time doing, and what we'd talk about.

I was doodling on a pad of paper he'd left on the table beside the couch, when I heard a knock on the door. I was startled out of my daydreams, and instantly, an frown spread over my face. No one had been in here since he'd left. Who wanted in now?

Alice poked her smiley face through the crack in the door, "You mind if I come in?"

I looked at her quizzically, wondering what she'd possibly want in here. "Sure." She walked in holding the journal and the pen I'd broken only a few hours earlier. I suddenly got nervous, knowing she'd read what I'd written. I smiled stupidly, stopping once I thought about how silly I must look.

"I read it, Bella." She knew what I was so embarrassed about.

"I'm so sorry," I blurted out, "I'm sure you didn't want to read about all of that." I ducked my head, avoiding making eye contact with her.

"It was beautiful. It was my favorite memory you've written so far." My head jerked up unintentionally, meeting her soft, sympathetic eyes with my own ashamed, confused eyes.

"Your favorite?"

"Of course, Bella!" Her eyes lit up with excitement. "When we agreed to do this, I assumed you'd write anything and everything. Up until this, today, I knew you were holding back. I loved it."

Though what she was saying made me feel a little better, I was still embarrassed to know that she read it.

"Okay, well, thanks, I guess."

"Oh Bella," she moved over to the couch and dropped down beside me with exaggerated emphasis, "Please don't stop. You're finally starting to heal."

I laughed a little too loudly at the absurdity of the conclusion she'd drawn. I wasn't starting to heal, I wasn't even close. "You couldn't be farther from the truth."

She placed her head on my shoulder in an attempt to console me, and locked her fingers in mine. "It will get better, soon." Her voice was sad, and it seemed like she didn't even she believe her words.

"You still don't ever see him?"

She smiled sweetly, "I have for the past few days. He's been in Denali, staying with Tanya and her family."

I knew little of the Denali clan, except that they were the only other vampire coven like us. Rage suddenly consumed me, and I had to remind myself of my strength as my fingers wrapped around the front of the cushion of couch I was gripping. My fingers had already begun to tear the black fabric that covered the cushions on the couch. "WHY ARE WE JUST SITTING HERE?" My hands flew up to grab Alice by the shoulders, effectively tearing open the couch cushion, spraying the cotton stuffing all over the floor at my feet.

Alice smiled again, sensing my desperation, wrapped her hands around my wrists, and pulled my hands into her lap. "Bella, he'll know we're coming. He'll leave as soon as he hears us." Her indifference was unacceptable. This wasn't the Alice I knew.

"He won't hear me!" The calmness on her face told me that she'd already thought this through, and that it wasn't going to happen.

"I know this is hard for you. I thought the same thing when I'd realized he'd stopped long enough for us to go after him, but you know he's smarter than that. He won't get caught."

The thought of him running from us, of him getting _caught_ seemed ridiculous to me. It felt as though we were chasing after a fugitive, someone that didn't want to get caught. His rejection and abandonment came crashing down on me again. He doesn't want me, why should I run after him like a desperate disaster?

I relaxed my aggressive demeanor, and looked down at my hands that were still in Alice's lap. She placed her hand under my chin, and tilted my head until I was forced to make eye contact with her. "I'm sorry." I leaned my head back until it rested on the back of his couch. I played with the couch stuffing that adorned the floor in front of me with my toes. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice glance around the room. "What are you doing in here anyway?"

I didn't face her as I answered her question, "I come in here quite often actually. I like smelling him, being where he was, pretending he is still here…" I trailed off as I heard how absurdly pathetic I sounded. I closed my eyes.

"Are you ever going to move into your room?"

"No."

"Hmmm."

And that was it. We sat like that for a while longer, Alice occasionally trying to engage me in conversation, but I wanted more than anything to be alone.

She stood to leave the room, but stopped at the door, and turned back toward me, "We're all leaving to go hunting down south of Mt. Rainier. You're more than welcome to come, but I figured you wouldn't want to."

I felt guilty for ignoring her, and the hurt puppy dog on her face didn't do anything to make me feel any better. "I'm sorry, Alice, I really would just like to be alone."

"I know." She sighed and looked down at the floor. She hesitated slightly before looking back at me, "Just for the record, Bella, I'd love to hear you play the piano. Promise me you will." She smiled and closed the door behind her. Stupid psychic sister.

I stayed in Edward's room, on his couch, until I was sure the rest of my family had left. I could hear them rummaging around down stairs, followed by the inevitable closing of the door. It was only a few minutes until I traipsed down the stairs and found myself settled in behind the ivory keys, longing to feel the connection to him I had felt the last time I'd played.

I took a deep breath, hoping to hold on to the perfect smell that lingered on my clothes from lying on his couch all afternoon. As my eyes remained closed, the smell intensified, magnified times a million. The connection was even more powerful than I remembered, the smell, overwhelming. As I placed my hands on the keys, I felt his presence engulf me, his arms wrap around me. I envisioned his hands on the keys, playing alongside mine, making the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. I could smell his breath, the breath that had taken mine away and rendered me useless in another life. It felt so real and so perfect, and I didn't ever want to stop playing. I paused momentarily to take in everything I was feeling at that moment, the scent, the feeling, his hands, the music.

The music however, never stopped. I felt someone's hands tight around my shoulders, griping them tightly pulling me off of the bench, and out of the temporary bliss I was experiencing. I wanted to stay forever, and I was growing more irritated by the minute as whoever was destroying my paradise was spinning me around.

Then I saw them, the beautiful ocher eyes from my dreams. The most perfectly sculpted lips in the world moved in sync with the most soothing, velvet voice I'd ever heard, "Bella, I love you. I'm home."

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**A/N: Our beautiful vampire is back. :) Please review and let me know if you love/hate/sorta like it. Thanks!! Also, feel free to ask questions! And don't forget to PM me recommendations!**


	5. Disbelief

**A/N: Here's chapter five! Our favorite vampire is back!**

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His hands were wrapped around my back, pulling me close to his chest, but our eyes never broke contact. His butterscotch eyes bore into mine, and I didn't consider looking away for a second. I fully believed for the first three and a half minutes that this was simply a continuation of my fantasy, that the piano made me believe that he'd come back for me.

Fantasy or not, he was beautiful. The angles of his perfectly sculpted face were sharp and flawless. His bronze hair was messy and misplaced from running, but the gold tones in it matched his eyes perfectly. His crimson lips were masculine, but tender. He was even more flawless than I remember him with my obstructed, human vision.

His lips curved into the breathtaking lopsided smile that made me melt, and I made a mental note to record it in my journal, so as not to forget.

I brought my hands up to his face, wanting more than anything to touch him, but I knew as soon as I tried, he'd be gone. The connection would be broken.

"I'm so sorry." His voice was even perfect. I held on to every tone that left his lips, savoring the velvet soft voice of my angel. I didn't want to ruin the sound with my pathetic voice. I lingered in his arms, taking in the scent, the images, and the smile, until it fell from his face. "Bella, please speak, your silence is killing me."

That's when it hit me. The music had faded, the smile disappeared, and my broken existence was being held in the arms of Edward Cullen. Live and in color. I closed my eyes and believed with my whole heart that he'd be gone when I opened them.

"Please, love." My eyes popped open at the sound of his words. He was still there, holding me, beckoning me with his eyes to respond to him. But what do you say to the man who stole your heart and ran away with it for almost two years?

Nothing I tried to speak sounded appropriate. I opened my mouth to say something, but choked on my words. "Is it…is it really you?"

"It is. I'm here, with you now."

"But…" I was stuck. Nothing was coming out. He picked my feet off up the ground no more than an inch and carried me back to the piano bench, where he sat me down. He kneeled in front of me, his face merely inches away from mine.

"Bella, please."

I choked again, "I…" The words were trapped in my throat, unwilling to make coherent sentences. "What are you doing here?"

"I came back for you. I couldn't live another second without you, Bella. Everything that I loved and cherished was here the whole time, I was just too stupid to accept it."

My chest heaved, and I put my head in my hands, unwillingly breaking eye contact. "That's not true," I whispered through my hands, "You don't want me, and you left me, alone and broken." I sighed, relieved that I finally whimpered something that was worthy of punctuation at the end.

"Oh, Bella, surely you don't believe that."

I stood up and walked to the glass windows that lined the living room's south wall, keeping my back to him. I felt the fury rising in me, threatening to spill into painful words and unnecessary accusations. "What else was I supposed to believe, Edward?" I was on the verge of screaming now. "You left me, alone in a new body, a new family, a new life, so that you didn't have to accept what I'd become."

He stood now, moving around the piano, and closer to me. His voice was empty and defeated, "I didn't leave you because I couldn't accept what you'd become. Bella, you're beautiful, more beautiful than I'd imagined you being. I can hold you without fearing for your life. Bella, I wanted that so much."

"Then why? What's your pathetic excuse?"

He lowered his chin until he was staring down at the floor. "Bella, I took something from you, that I had no right to take, not before I explained everything to you." I opened my mouth to speak, but he held his hand up to silence me, "Please, just listen."

I nodded, trying to wrangle my anger and frustration.

He hesitated, "I don't believe that I have a soul. I don't believe that there is an afterlife for our kind, in the event that I were to somehow be killed." More painful hesitation. "When I transformed you, I took everything from you, Bella. You were correct with your previous accusation: I stole your family, your previous life, your precious body, and most importantly, your soul. I damned you to hell with my careless, selfish desires." His forehead wrinkled as he rubbed his temples with the thumb and middle finger of his right hand. "I was solely responsible for destroying everything for the woman I loved more than I'd loved anything in all 104 years of my life. I couldn't bare to live with that. I knew that neither you, nor I had any chance at happiness if I was reminded every second of the day, that I'd stolen everything that you cared about."

"So you took the one remaining thing that I cared about, that one remaining thing that I had to hang on to."

"I'm not saying it was the right thing, I know that now. But Bella, if I had stayed, I would have never been able to look you in the eye without hating myself for doing that to you, without hating Jasper for attacking you, and hating Carlisle for changing me. I needed time."

"But you left for good, with no intention of coming back."

"That's not entirely true. I honestly didn't know how long it would take for me to work through the issues I was facing. It was easier to tell my family I was leaving forever, than have them -- you -- wait on my return. It could have taken ten, twenty years. Fortunately, I couldn't tolerate being away from you any longer."

"So what -- you show up on my doorstep and expect me to forgive you for everything you did, just like that?"

He moved closer to me hesitantly, and raised his hand to caress my cheek with his thumb. I permitted it, only because I longed for his touch. I wanted to feel what his skin felt like to me now, now that I was ice cold as well. It was neither hot, nor cold. It was comfortable and familiar, the same temperature as my skin.

"Of course I don't, love. I know I've broken your trust in me. I've hurt you beyond anything you deserve, and I will work everyday to gain that trust back. It could take months, years, lifetimes, but I will do it. For you, and only you."

His words made my heart melt, and I fought with every bit of willpower that I had to not give into him. He had abandoned me, deserted me when I needed him the most. "What if that's not what I want?"

His pleading eyes emptied of all emotion and defeat replaced it. "Then, of course, I'll leave. Only if that's what you truly want. Otherwise, I will remain at your side for as long as you allow. I know I don't deserve you, I never have. But I'm not going to give up if there's any chance that you need me or want me still."

I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to feel his embrace, his safe arms around me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, unyielding and reckless. I wanted things to be the way they were before he left -- comfortable and natural, like we'd known each other forever --if that was even possible.

He pulled me into him cautiously, moving his hand around to the back of my head while the other wrapped around my elbow. My head rested against his chest, but my body was stiff. I wouldn't let it meld into his, not yet. I wasn't ready. He kissed the top of my head, sending sparks through my body. He inhaled sharply. His lips remained pressed to my hair and he whispered, "You smell lovely. And if possible, I think I love you more than I did the moment I laid eyes on you, Isabella Swan."

I gave in. I relaxed my body into his, lifted my lips to his, and kissed him.

It was nothing like I'd imagined it would be. I imagined it would be passionate and desperate, rough and hard. It wasn't. Not at all. He pulled back until his lips just barely brushed mine, and he hesitated, each of us taking in the other's scent like it was the oxygen a human needed to breathe. When he finally kissed me, it was sweet and innocent, delicate even.

It was perfect.

I smiled as his lips parted from mine, and he returned the crooked smile that devoured my will power. "I will try, everyday of my existence, to earn back your trust and devotion."

"The devotion never wavered, Edward. I never stopped loving you, no matter how angry I got at your leaving me." He smiled again.

"Not a second went by that you weren't on my mind, flooding my thoughts."

"I will forgive you, one day. Please be patient though, I've been a disaster for a year and a half, it might take a while for things to get back to normal." I frowned a little, hoping that he didn't expect a free pass through the dead zombie land I'd been inhabiting for the last year and a half.

"I have all the time in the world, and every second will be devoted to you." My thoughts shifted to Alice.

"I may have to share you with someone else. I'm not the only one who missed you."

"Oh?" He shot me a puzzled frown.

"Your amazing sister has been praying to the vampire gods to send you home too."

"Vampire gods, huh? Speaking of Alice, I do believe that my family has returned home." I turned back toward the windows, merely turning on the spot so as not to break from his arms that remained wrapped around me, to see Alice charging up the steps to the front door. As she broke through the door, sending it into the staircase, hinges and all, she ran straight toward us. I moved merely milliseconds before Edward wrapped his arms around her and fell backward into the couch with the force of her momentum.

He held her tightly, kissing the top of her head. She sat up quickly after, hitting him in the shoulder, and with a voice scarier than what should come out of a person her size, she yelled, "Don't ever leave me again, you hear me? I was miserable without you! Promise me now!"

Edward pulled her back into a bear hug and laughed, "I promise, Alice, I won't leave you again. I'm so sorry for hurting you."

"Okay good." She yelled, fake pouting and crossing her arms. Only a few seconds passed before she was hugging him again. Her voice faded into a whisper, "Really, Edward, please don't ever leave me."

His smile transformed into a guilty frown and he kissed the top of her head again, "I promise, Alice. I will always be here for you."

She looked up at him, "Forever and ever?"

His eyes locked with mine, as he directed his answer toward me, "Forever and ever."

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**A/N: Please click the review button below and let me know what you're thinking! I need encouragement to keep me writing! :)**


	6. Overdue

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay -- blame the holidays! Enjoy Chapter 6! Thanks to everyone that has reviewed -- it means the world to me!**One by one, each of the Cullens made their way back into the house, welcoming Edward back home. Carlisle stopped in the doorway to examine the damage Alice had done to the now broken, and probably pretty expensive front door. "Well, I suppose this will have to be replaced." Even the hinge casings had torn right off of the wood that surrounded the door frame.

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Alice ducked her head, but smiled a sweet smile, not breaking eye contact with Carlisle. "I'm sorry, Carlisle, I couldn't help it. You can take the money out of my account. I was just…excited."

He smiled back at her and turned toward Edward, who now had his arm wrapped around my shoulder. "Rightfully so. Welcome home, son." Carlisle walked over to us, and shook Edward's right hand.

"Thanks." Edward pulled Carlisle's arm toward him and hugged his father, unsatisfied with the impersonality of a simple handshake – Carlisle meant more to him than that. They embraced for a moment, and in less than a minute, Edward had his arms wrapped around my waist. I felt his lips press gently against the top of my head, lingering there for a short minute before he straightened up, and turned toward Jasper.

He was walking toward me, and I felt myself involuntarily relax – he was working his magic. He stopped a short distance from me, hesitating before addressing Edward and me.

"I want to apologize to you, Bella, for taking your life and making it ours. What I did was unintentional, but remarkably inexcusable. I hope you understand that I would have never chosen to do that to you; it was instinctual, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever comprehend."

His eyes were flooded with sincerity, and his voice rang with conviction. "Jasper, I'm not sorry for what you did. Alice had seen it happening anyway, it was only a matter of time. I love you, your family, and your stupid brother." Everyone laughed a little. "Now that Edward is home, with me, this is the life I would have chosen if I were given the choice." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rosalie roll her eyes, accompanied by a huff of irritation. "Please don't feel guilty for giving me what I wanted. I'm not mad at you, and I don't blame you for anything."

"Thank you, Bella, for forgiving me. I don't deserve it, but I appreciate your willingness to accept my apology. He looked over my shoulder to meet Edward's eyes. "Edward. I will owe you for the rest of my life for stealing away the humanity of the woman that you loved more than your own life, your own happiness. I'm disgusted with my lack of self-control and the ease at which I made the unconscious decision to so deeply hurt my own brother." Jasper ducked his head down for the first time since he began his apologetic speech; his eyes were staring down at the plush rug that was lying beneath our feet. "I don't deserve your forgiveness, so I won't ask for it, but please know that I am indebted to you for eternity, and will do anything you ask of me in return for my grave mistake."

"Jazz, you don't owe me." The tone of his velvet voice reflected the smile that spilled across his face. "You gave me the most precious thing in the world for the rest of eternity. I'm not sad or disappointed. She's absolutely perfect. I only wanted more time to explain to her what her decision to become one of us entailed. Now, I can show her. Please don't beat yourself up over this. I forgave you a long time ago, I was just too self-involved to understand how much I was hurting my family."

Jasper smiled, a look of shock adorned his face, "Thank you. I never expected to be forgiven."

Alice's sweet voice rang across the living room as she moved forward to stand next to Jasper, "See, Jazz? I told you they'd forgive you. Now come on, before you bite any more unsuspecting humans. It's hunting time!" She took his hand and turned toward the back door. She turned her head slightly to speak over her shoulder, "Welcome back, Edward!" And with that, they were gone.

We spent an hour and a half on the couch, me wrapped in the safe, comforting arms of the man I love, talking to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie. They caught up on the things they'd missed: Edward sharing stories relayed from the Denali clan, and the rest of the Cullens catching him up on the latest happenings in Forks and within the walls of the Cullen household.

I simply rested in his embrace, memorizing the feel of his arms, smelling his breath, feeling each muscle move as he shifted positions on the couch, and inhaling his tantalizing scent. It was sweet and seductive. I studied every millimeter of his flawless face, memorizing the slant of his angled jaw and the definition of his cheek bones. I watched his lips move and savored the sound of his hypnotic voice. I couldn't get enough of him.

When they were done talking, he untangled his arms from my unwilling body, and lifted himself off of the couch. He intertwined his fingers in mine, and lifted me to his side, sliding his arm around my back for support. I followed him gracefully up the stairs to the landing of the second floor.

"It's nice to not have to worry about my clumsy Bella tripping and falling down the steps. You're gracefulness suits you well, love."

"Don't forget I'm stronger than you. I _will_ tackle you if I deem it necessary."

"You'll win every time, too. I will never in my long, never-ending life, lay a finger on you, so you might want to pick a more willing opponent. I'm sure Emmett has been dying to wrestle you." He continued up the second flight of stairs, apparently heading to his room – my sanctuary.

"Hmmm, could I really beat Emmett?"

"It would be an incredibly close fight, but I think you're just a bit stronger than he is. You better take advantage of it now though, as it won't last forever."

I thought about that for a second. My mind floated back to when Emmett was the older brother I never had. Now, he was quite literally my older brother, but we used to fight, playfully of course, and I would have given anything to be able to wrestle him down to the ground. Things had changed though, and he and I barely spoke to each other. I missed Emmett. In fact, I had always missed him, it was just overpowered by a greater longing, an overwhelming longing.

"Bella?" I heard a faint voice in the background of my thoughts and realized that Edward was speaking to me. "Are you coming?" I was still standing at the bottom landing of the staircase.

"Yeah, of course. You were right, vampires do get distracted easily."

He chuckled, "Is there something on your mind?"

I thought carefully about answering his question. I had been trying my best since his return to make light of my well-being during his absence, and didn't want to reveal how devastated I was – it would only make things worse.

"No, I just…I was thinking about Emmett. We haven't spent a lot of time together lately…" I trailed off, hoping he'd just drop it, and move on. I tried to squeeze past him and into his room, but his arm caught my waist and pulled me close to him.

"He misses you too, Bella. You should talk to him." His eyes were locked on mine, and his voice was filled with concern.

"Yeah, I know." I stared back at him, and shook my head slightly. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against his marble chest. He hugged me apologetically. I stayed in his arms until he broke the silence.

"You didn't read my letter." He'd seen it still lying on the desk.

"No, I didn't."

"Hmmm. And why didn't you?"

"I didn't want to hear your goodbye or your excuses for leaving me. They will never be justified in my mind, and I knew it would only make everything hurt worse. I wasn't ready to give up on you."

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door frame. "I'm so sorry –"

I pressed my finger to his lips. "Stop, Edward. I know you're sorry, you've told me a thousand times. You're here now, and that matters more to me than some stupid letter. Quit beating yourself up. If I'm not angry with you, you shouldn't be either."

"You should be though. You are the most patient, forgiving person I have ever met. Thank you for allowing me to compensate for my mistakes. I love you."

He kissed me before I could respond, pressing his lips against mine before they uttered a word. He kissed me softly and cautiously, and he pulled away as I moved my hands up to the back of his head. He smiled that lopsided smile and kissed my forehead before pulling me into his room, closing the door behind us. He pulled me over to the couch where I'd spent so many of my days prior to his return, and sat down, guiding me into his lap.

I'd dreamed about what it would feel like to touch him again, but the electricity between us was remarkable. For so many days and nights now, I'd longed to hold him and kiss him again, and now that he was here, in my arms, he wanted to talk. I wasn't having it.

I reached my left hand up behind his head, tangling my fingers into his hair, and kissed him with urgency. My right hand was pressed against his chest, feeling like stone against my hand. I forced my tongue through his timid lips; he tasted delicious, better than I could have ever imagined, like lilac and sweet honey. He let his guard down slightly and kissed me back, passionately. I felt warmth spread through my veins like fire, and his fingertips burned my skin at the touch. My vampire senses multiplied the intensity of the kiss, and for the first time ever, I could kiss, really kiss, the man I loved without reservation. And it was incredible. His scent swarmed around me, and my tongue savored the sweetness of his mouth. My fingers twisted in his hair, keeping his lips firmly pressed to mine.

I felt his lips curve into a smile as he pulled his face away from mine. I kept my fingers wrapped in his hair, and inhaled as his breath swept over my face. He was glorious, perfectly angelic, and he was mine.

His smile was full-fledged now, his white teeth gleaming. "That was incredible." He kissed my cheek softly.

"I've dreamt of that for months, and it was even better than I imagined." I felt like a little girl again, on Christmas morning, opening the most amazing gift of my life time. And I knew he was the best gift of my life time, every infinite year of it.

He sat back on the couch, wrapping his hands around the back of his head, and stretching his long frame perpendicular to the couch. "So how much time did you spend in my room?"

If I were still human, cue the blushing. "I…I just came in here a few times."

"I may not be able to hear your heart, love, but you still aren't a very good liar. It's nothing to lie about; I quite like the smell of our scents together." He inhaled deeply, more for effect than purpose, but I smiled anyway.

"I do too. And it was more than a few times." He returned my smile.

He turned his head toward the door, "Emmett in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1." Emmett's huge bear frame came bursting in the door.

"Oh good, I didn't interrupt anything important." He smiled deviously.

"What might you have done if you had?" Edward's face was twisted into a curious frown.

"Oh, little brother, I would have heard you." More devious smiling and even a few quick eyebrow raises.

"I'm not your little brother, and…just stop." I just sat on the couch next to Edward with my mouth gaping open. We were most definitely not having this conversation.

"Oh come on little sis, you gotta have better moves than that. Haven't you ever seduced someone before?"

"Seriously, Em?" I did quite like being called his little sister, though. I really had missed him, but not this side of him. "Please, just stop."

"What are you going to do about it if I don't?" He shrugged his shoulders like a child, and I had to fight back the smile.

"I'll kick your ass if you don't."

"Bring it on, girly."

With every ounce of energy I had, I ran at him, following him down the stairs and toward the front yard, taking advantage of the open door that Alice had ripped down earlier. I was slightly faster than him, and at the front steps of the porch, I launched myself forward, wrapping my arms around his oversized neck. He jerked his shoulder forward, sending me flying into the tree line in the front of the Cullen house. I rolled up on to my feet, and climbed the nearest tree about seven feet – just high enough to pounce. The force of my momentum rolled him backward, sending us rolling, Bella over Emmett, down the side of the huge mansion. We played like this for over an hour, being cheered on by my family, until I finally pinned him at the side of the river behind our house. Cheers erupted from the Cullen cheerleaders, and Edward was at my side instantly, doubled over from laughter.

"I knew she'd beat you." He flashed a proud smile at me.

"I let her win, give me a break."

Carlisle interjected, "Emmett, I raised you not to lie, son."

Rosalie walked up beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. She turned and addressed me for the first time since I met her, "It's about time someone put him in his place." She smiled sweetly, "Welcome to the family."

Her words caught me off guard, and before I could say anything back to her, I was being launched into the river, courtesy of the Emmett Express. When I came up above the surface of the water, I caught a glimpse of my loving, welcoming family, the house that I now wanted to live in more than anything, and the man of my dreams, smiling his crooked smile at me, his eyes warm with adoration.

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**A/N: Please review and let me know what ya think! Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**XOXO,** TC104


	7. Paranoia

**A/N: Thank you so much to those of you that reviewed last time. It's seriously you guys that keep me going. I really love writing this story, but it's so much more motivating if you guys enjoy reading it too! So thank you so much! And here's Chapter 7! **

**Disclaimer: Surely you know that I'm not Stephenie Meyer, and that I don't own these characters, right??**

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"You should have seen your face when she sent that left hook into your cheek!" Alice was having trouble speaking through her intermittent laughing. I was lying on the couch, leaning against Edward's chest, watching Alice and Emmett argue over who won our previous wrestling match.

Emmett wasn't quite amused, "It's not like it hurt. Besides, Edward would have joined in the scuffle if I hit his precious girlfriend." He nodded his head toward me, as though we were unsure who Edward's girlfriend was.

"Emmett, you yelled in agony. Admit it, you lost to a girl." She picked up the decorative pillow from the couch and threw it at Emmett, smacking him on the side of the head, effectively exploding the pillow. Feathers from the expensive down pillow were slowly floating to the floor.

Emmett ignored the pillow, "I didn't lose to a girl. I'd gladly rematch her if she wasn't scared."

He was trying to get a rise out of me, so I played into his game, "Em, do you really want to lose to a girl twice? I'm not scared of you."

"Fine, rematch then. Fair fight, all out. And Edward is not allowed to interfere." He puffed up his chest as he delivered his challenge.

Edward deliberated for a few seconds before answering, "I promise not to interfere."

"Sweet, let's go, then." Emmett got up from the recliner and headed toward the door.

"Not now, Emmett," Alice whined, "I just painted her toenails, and her clothes are super cute. Please don't ruin this for me." She jutted her bottom lip out as she pleaded with Emmett.

"Yes, let's do it another day," Edward tightened his arms around me, "We've had enough wrestling for now. Save it for another time, when we want to see you get your ass kicked again." Emmett hiss at Edward's taunting.

"Fine, but only because the Rose Bowl is on tonight. I don't want to miss the championship game." Before Emmett was found mangled by a bear, he was a scholarship football player and an avid fan of the sport. He turned on the TV and flipped the channel to the pre-game coverage.

Alice stood up from her spot at the coffee table, "Jasper and I are heading to Seattle to go _car_ shopping. We think you and Bella should come so she can get a new car!" She literally squealed the last four words of the sentence in such a high pitch that standard human ears could not have heard it.

"I think not, Alice. It's not like I can leave anyway. Where would I drive to?"

Edward interjected, "It's not actually a bad idea. You can leave the house, you just can't be seen around Forks. We could go just about anywhere you want but here."

The prospect of leaving excited me more than I expected. It had been so long since I'd left the house, I really wanted some freedom. It would be nice to visit Borders to get some new books and some CDs I'd been meaning to get. I was not going to allow anyone to buy me a new car.

"Why don't we join them, but instead of buying a car, we can just settle for some books and music. You can drop us off at Northgate Mall while you visit the Mini dealership down the street." Ever since Alice and I watched the _Italian Job, _she'd been dying to get a Mini Cooper. We had both agreed on how fun they looked to drive.

"Oh, how boring!" Alice rolled her eyes, "I don't understand what goes on in that tiny head of yours!"

Edward laughed at her frustration, earning him a punch in the arm from his sister. Her attack jolted me sideways. Edward sat back up, and looked serious now, "Alice, we need to be careful about Bella being around humans."

"Oh, right. Hmmm…" Her face went blank, the look that indicated her future-seeing ability was in full swing.

I turned to Edward, "I'll be fine. I have pretty great self-control. I had a year and a half to work on it." And I had, I had worked on it – only in hopes that I would be able to see Charlie again one day. I missed my father terribly. I hadn't been prepared for my transformation, and never got the chance to say goodbye. I used to run down to the Newton's store, and lurk in the forest behind it, tempting myself with the smell of the shoppers, and disciplining myself to not give in to the temptation. I had grown quite good at it.

Alice blinked her eyes, "I don't see any problems. It's an ugly day out, and there won't be many people in the mall anyway."

So, we made the trip to Seattle. It was a particularly dreary day, meaning four people dressed in bulky raincoats and toting umbrellas didn't seem so out of place. The sun was hidden by the dense cloud cover that had made its permanent residence in the skies of the Pacific Northwest, preventing the sparkle of our skin from giving us away.

I had finally been released from the Cullen compound, allowed to mill about in the everyday happenings of regular people. I held on to Edward's hand the entire time we were out – the looks from the various men we passed made me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to being so attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex.

Watching people was so much different now than it had been when I was human. Their movements were more precise, and their heartbeats were so loud. Though the scents of their blood were entirely too tempting, it wasn't hard to maintain my self-control.

As promised, Alice and Jasper dropped us off at the mall where we spent a ridiculous amount of money on books, movies, and music. Edward apparently had some music buying to catch up on. He finally got the call that Alice and Jasper were heading back to pick us up, but that we'd have to make an additional stop. They pulled up in Edward's Volvo.

"Alice, you didn't get a new car?" I knew nothing stopped Alice once she wanted something.

"Of course I did, silly girl. We're going back to pick it up." She smiled a sly smile at Edward in the rearview mirror.

"What's going on?" I looked at Edward suspiciously, knowing I was more likely to get the truth out of him than my devious sister.

She answered before he could respond, "I just wanted Edward's advice on which one I should get. I test drove a few."

"Test drove?? They let _you_ test drive one?" Alice wasn't known for going the speed limit. Hell, she wasn't known for going less than 40 miles _over_ the speed limit. I couldn't imagine what a test drive for her would be like.

"I stayed at the speed limit," she said defensively. Jasper shot her a disbelieving glance, "Well, close enough anyway."

Jasper laughed out loud this time. "She had the salesman scared to death."

The rest of the short drive was silent, until we pulled up to the dealership. I should have known Edward and Alice had some sort of ridiculous plan to insist on buying me a car. Though I refused over and over again, somehow, we still drove away from the lot with a Volvo and two Mini Coopers. Something about having the last name Cullen made you stubborn and irritating. I was definitely keeping my own last name.

I refused to drive the car home, so Jasper volunteered to test out the speed and handling of the new, blue Mini. It even had insufferable sliver racing stripes. Edward and I were in the Volvo.

"Consider it a late birthday present, I missed the last one." He tried convincing me with his seductive smile, but I wasn't having it.

"I didn't want a car, Edward. I thought I made that clear."

"You did, but I wanted you to have it. Please accept it."

His pleading was wearing at my determination, but I mustered however little was remaining, and stayed vigilant. "I don't want it."

The truth was I did kinda like the car, insufferable racing stripes and all. It was sleek and fast, and I liked that Alice and I had matching cars. But I didn't want the Cullens to make a habit out of spending so much money on me.

We continued the argument the entire way home, and Alice joined in on Edward's side once we were all back at the house. I finally gave in, citing that I had no choice anyway, and only after Edward made a promise never to do anything like this again. He, I could trust; Alice, not so much.

Weeks went by like this, going through the motions of being a family again. Rosalie had accepted me into the family, and Emmett was teasing and harassing me just like he used to. Jasper finally relaxed around Edward and me, and started acting like his old self again. None of us went back to school, though – the town of Forks still believed the story of the Cullen kids being homeschooled by Esme.

Things between Edward and I were still strained. We spent every single minute together, but it wasn't like it used to be. I was having a difficult time forgiving him for what he did to me. There was always that fear in me that he'd leave again, regardless of how many times he promised he wouldn't. He was just as perfect as ever – beautiful, loving, providing, and he always said exactly what I wanted to hear. But I couldn't shake it, no matter how hard I tried.

"Can I ask you something Bella?" It was an early May morning, and we were sitting on the floor in his room doing a jigsaw puzzle. May in Forks, Washington still meant it was winter time. Summer didn't officially start until late June.

My chest tightened slightly: nothing good ever came after that question. "Of course you can."

"What's it going to take? Why are you still so scared that I'll leave you? It's been months since I've returned to you, and you still shutter every time I leave your side, even for a few minutes."

Ah, so he'd noticed. "Edward, I don't know. I swear if I knew, I'd tell you. I just don't." I looked down at my hands, unwilling to look him in the eyes. "I hate that I don't have a better answer for you. I don't want to feel that way either."

He moved to my side, "It's okay, love. It just hurts me so much to know that you're still suffering, while I'm the happiest man alive now that I have you to hold each day."

His words plastered a warm smile on my face, and I glanced up to lock eyes with him. I leaned in and kissed him softly, "I am happy, a million times happier than before."

His eyes remained closed when my lips left his. I cupped his cheek in the palm of my hand, before standing up, and moving to the couch – I wanted to be closer to him. He moved with me taking his seat next to me, and wrapping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. I rested my head on his shoulder, and wrapped my arm around his muscular stomach. He turned and lay sideways on the couch, pulling me on top of him. My head now rested on his chest, and the rest of our bodies were twisted together, sparking that electric current that lays dormant until my skin meets his.

"Can I ask you something?" This would be much easier not having to look at him. My fingers traced the muscles of his abdomen through his grey cotton shirt.

"Hmmm, I think you already know the answer to that."

"What was it like? You know, being on your own without me." It was harder to say than I had anticipated, and the confidence that I'd gained knowing that I wouldn't have to look at him failed me – my words came out weak and empty, the sadness taking over instead.

He took a deep breath, "It was the worst year and a half of my life."

"Did you miss me? Or were you just so angry that I was a vampire that you didn't even want to think about me?"

"Bella Swan." I shuttered at the full use of my name. "Surely you don't think that I didn't think about you."

This was becoming more difficult with every word I spoke, and I instantly regretted asking him in the first place. "I don't really know what you were thinking at all." My words came out soft, barely audible, and I frowned at my lack of resolve.

"I thought about you every day that I was gone. You consumed every single one of my thoughts. There were nights I'd try to come back to you, I'd even get as close to Seattle, and then stop."

"Why did you stop?" The fury rang in my voice. He was as close as Seattle and turned around?

"Bella, you have to understand. I felt wretched for what I did to you. Seeing you would be a reminder of my horrible mistake and my unwavering selfishness. I didn't want that to be what I felt when I looked into your eyes. I wanted to see my Bella: the beautiful, loving, selfless woman that I fell in love with. I had to accept what I did to you before I could ask for your forgiveness or things would be far worse than they are now. I would be different, Bella, I would be distant, cold, and self-loathing."

"More self-loathing than usual?" I couldn't keep it in. The tension was building rapidly, and I couldn't resist breaking some of it down.

"A thousand times worse than usual." I heard the smile in his voice.

The more I thought about what he said, the more it made sense. What good would it have done to have him here, but not be the Edward that I loved – the one with the velvet voice and the crooked smile. He wouldn't have been that Edward, and that would have been just as unacceptable. This is the Edward I wanted. This Edward was worth the wait.

Of course it was much easier to see it that way now that he's here, tangled up in my body, professing his love to me.

I turned over to meet his eyes for the first time since we'd begun talking. "I want this Edward Cullen, the one that's holding me right now."

"I know. That's why I waited. No version of myself will ever deserve you, but I wanted to be the one that makes you the happiest, and I certainly wasn't capable of that at the time. I'll do whatever it takes now, Bella. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me, and I won't stop until you are the happiest woman in the world."

I smiled at him, and he returned it.

"And Bella," he continued, "I will never leave you again, not unless you force me to. I promise you that."

I snuggled my face into the crook of his neck, lining his jaw with kisses. We stayed that way, talking about happy things and kissing, for the remainder of the morning.

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**A/N: There you go, loves! Please review and let me know what you think! Remember, more reviews = faster writing = posting chapters sooner!**


	8. Healing

May turned into June, and soon enough summer was here, limiting the amount of time that we were able to be out and about like normal humans. It wasn't particularly inconvenient for us, for it's not like we _have_ to go into town. Well no one had to but Carlisle. The Forks Hospital had finally hired a replacement for Dr. Snow though, so we got to see a little more of Carlisle around the house.

The summer meant more vegetation in the woods, more greenery on the trees, and a bigger variety of choices on the menu for our kind. The bears were out in the summers, meaning bigger challenges, and more rewarding feeding. Emmett usually hunted more than necessary just to fight with some of the bigger bears in the area.

After a particularly long morning of hunting, Alice, Edward, and I were leisurely walking back to the house. I'd managed to get only a little blood on me – I wasn't exactly a pro in the hunting business. Edward and Alice came out unscathed from the hunt, not a single thread of their clothing torn, not a single hair out of place. I was better than I was in the beginning, but still couldn't make it though without a being just a little bit messy.

We'd made it to the north side of the river when Edward stopped short of crossing it.

Alice turned to us both, "Well, Jasper and I have a hot date with some gory slasher movie he's been begging me to watch with him, so I'll catch you guys later? Maybe game night?"

Edward smiled at his sister, "Game night sounds great, Alice. Thank you."

She smiled back him, "Of course." And with that she was gone.

"What's going on?" The look on my face gave away my suspicion.

"What do you say we go for a run? Just for old time's sake?" He smiled that breathtaking smile that he knew I couldn't say no to. Not that I would have anyway, a little bit of alone time sounded like a refreshing break to me. He took hold of my hand and we took off. It wasn't long before realization set in, and I figured out where we were going. I stopped immediately, but was jerked forward a few yards before Edward followed suit.

"Edward…"

"What is it, love?" His eyes were concerned as his hand reached up and cupped my cheek.

"I don't think I can do this." My voice was soft and defeated.

"Please, Bella. I know you can. It's just a little bit farther."

I took a deep breath, knowing that if I'd allow myself, I'd be walking into the meadow, our meadow, in less than fifty yards. In the year and a half that Edward was gone, I'd grown to hate this place. It held so many memories for me – happy, blissful memories, that when he'd left, had left with him. Everything that I had been taught to believe in this very meadow was shattered the moment I woke up, and he was gone. True, I was slowly discovering the truth in love, devotion, and passion again, but it was a slow process, and this was a big step for me.

He reached his hand out, begging me with his expression to take it. I looked at his hand, knowing that one step into that meadow could either heal the missing pieces of our relationship or destroy all of the progress that we'd made. I don't know if it was a chance I was willing to take.

I thought about Alice's departure behind the house just a few minutes ago, and I understood now what it had meant. "Alice saw you taking me here, didn't she?"

He nodded his head once, "Yes. She did."

"And since we're here right now, I'm assuming that only good can come of this."

He smiled and relaxed, "You're catching on." His expression turned serious now, "If you don't want to do this, we don't have to. We can try again another time, on your terms, when you're ready."

I thought about sitting in the meadow again. I thought about how peaceful and serene everything felt, like every piece of the puzzle was in place. We would lie there for hours, the two of us and our unparalleled longing for each other. I'd placed my delicate heart in his strong, protecting hands, trusting that he would guard it with his life. I felt at home in that meadow.

Things are different now. The pieces of the puzzle were in disarray, and the meadow seemed like foreign, forbidden territory to me. And most importantly, my healing heart was now in my own clumsy hands, being sewn back together piece by piece in hopes that one day it will be whole again. It wasn't right to taint such a sacred place with what had become of us.

"I don't want to hate this place anymore." I said it more to myself than to him, but he looked down at his feet at the sound of the pain in my voice.

"I don't want you to hate it either." He took my hand and we walked away from the meadow, heading back toward the house. He said nothing else to me the entire way home, and I knew then that I'd hurt him tremendously.

Alice was waiting for us on the front porch when we got home, "Well?" Edward let go of my hand as he shook his head and went inside, closing the door behind him.

I walked to Alice, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist, and ducked my head into the crook of her neck. "I couldn't do it, Alice."

"But, I saw you do it, Bella, and you were just fine." She hugged me back.

"It just won't mean the same until I'm whole again. That meadow isn't a place for healing; it's a place of happiness. I'm just not ready. I'm sure I would have made it through just fine today, but it wouldn't have meant the same to me."

She squeezed me into her tiny frame, "You don't have to be ready, Bella, you just have to explain that to him."

"He's so upset with me now."

She let go, and pushed me toward the door, "Go. Explain. Then come back down for game night."

I took the stairs two at a time, and shoved open the door to his room, knowing that's where he'd be waiting for me. It was empty. I went back down stairs, into the living room, the kitchen, scoured the whole bottom floor, before heading up to the second floor. Why did this house have to be so damn big? The second floor was empty too, aside from Emmett playing video games in his bedroom. I went back up to Edward's room, still empty. As I left his room, I stopped in the hallway, staring at the door next to his. It was barely open, but that was more open than it had been since the first and last time I had gone in there. I pushed open the door and found what I'd been looking for, sitting statue-like on the bed in the corner.

He looked up at me, "Why doesn't your room smell like you?" His face was unreadable, expressionless.

"Umm, I…this is the second time I've ever been…in here," I shrugged. I was terribly uncomfortable in this room anyway, much less with Edward staring a blank hole into my forehead.

"Why don't you bring your stuff up here?" All of the boxes of personal belongings Alice and Emmett had been able to steal from my bedroom at Charlie's still sat downstairs in the Cullen garage.

"I…don't know. Look, it doesn't matter. About the meadow –"

He interrupted me, "I'm sorry I tried to make you go, I just thought it might help. I was wrong. I'm sorry for pushing."

"It's not that. I could have done it, and I would have been just fine. Alice even saw it that way." I paused and took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts before I spewed them out like geyser. "That meadow is more to me than just a place to hangout. It holds so many memories for me that left when you left. I fell in love with you in that meadow. It's pure and sacred to me, Edward. Nothing that is broken or incomplete should ever exist in that meadow – and I'm broken and incomplete. Until that changes, until I'm whole again, I don't want to be there." I exhaled sharply, more out of comfort than necessity, and walked over to him. I lifted his chin with my hand, and our eyes locked. "I'm sorry."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap. "You're right," he whispered into my hair, "I thought it might help you heal, but I understand now that only time can do that. I'm sorry for misunderstanding what you need right now. We'll go back when you're ready, when you're whole again."

I smiled at him and ran my fingers through his hair. He kissed me softly, as he stood up from the bed.

"Now, about this room." She smiled down at me, kissing me again, this time on the forehead. "Please do something with it. I bet Esme is dying."

I laughed with him, "I bet she is too. Maybe you can help me bring up the boxes sometime."

"And she wants you to spend the money she's set aside for it too."

"That, I can't do. Edward, it's a lot of money, I can't even think of enough stuff to buy with that."

"Buy picture frames, CDs, paintings, anything you'd like. You could spend every penny on books and make it a library. I used all of mine on my music collection."

"Oh, of course. And Alice used hers on clothes."

"That would be correct." It was all making sense now.

"I should probably, for Esme's sake, do something with this room. It's been empty long enough. Besides, I have some pictures of Charlie and me that I'd like to frame."

"Speaking of pictures, what happened to the picture that I had framed on my desk?" He looked at me curiously, truly not knowing what had happened to it. There's no way I could tell him about the journal.

"Hmmm, I think Alice wants to play games, should we head down?" He grabbed my wrist before I was able to turn to leave the room.

"Bella? Answer me, please."

I smiled my most convincing smile, praying to the vampire gods that he'd let it slide, "Maybe another day." And I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the stairs. Jasper and Alice were waiting for us with a stack of board games on the coffee table.

Alice was giddy with excitement, "Are we ready for a fun night of games?"

Edward looked nervously at me, and I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, "Get used to it. This has become the Saturday night ritual around here."

The four of us spent the rest of the evening in the living room talking and playing video and board games well into the morning hours. Playing games with Alice and Edward was amusing, each one using their gifts to have an edge on the other. Jasper and I spent most of the time laughing at the other two battling it out.

Around three in the morning, Carlisle arrived home from the hospital.

"How was work?" Alice asked in the middle of Mario Kart. "Any good stories?"

"There was a pretty major accident near the south city limit. Law enforcement brought one guy in that had to get sixty stitches across the back of his head."

Law enforcement. That meant Charlie.

"I'll be in my office if you guys need anything." I sat for a minute turning over the words in my head. I decided right then that I did need something. I looked over at Alice's blank face. A few seconds later, she gasped.

"Bella!" She'd seen my decision, and was looking at me excitedly.

"Well? Good or bad?" I asked impatiently. Edward had seen it too, and reached over and placed his hand in mine. Jasper waited patiently for Alice to tell him what she saw. He was used to this.

"Good!" She smiled a huge, gleaming smile. Edward smiled too, showing all of his perfectly straight, bleach white teeth.

"I'm going to go talk to Carlisle." I ran up the steps gracefully, still amused with the ease at which I could run up stairs, and knocked urgently on Carlisle's office door.

"Come in." His voice was muffled through the huge, oak door. I pushed it open. "What can I do for you, Bella?"

"Carlisle," I swallowed the venom that had formed pools in my mouth, "I want to see Charlie."


	9. Whole

**A/N: We're almost to the end! Here's chapter nine for you! Enjoy, and thanks to the few of you that have reviewed -- it means a lot!**

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I sat in Carlisle's office for the next two hours working out the details of finally getting to see Charlie after almost two years. Alice had seen the meeting, and knew that it was to be held at our house. She also saw that after a brief fit of rage, Charlie would calm down and be willing to listen. Jasper would obviously play a huge roll in conquering that task. Carlisle made up a name for the disease that made me look the way I do, and Edward and Alice ran through some of the things that I'd have to remember to do: blink, cross and uncross my legs, breathe, you know, normal human movements. Most importantly, hold my breath as much as possible. I couldn't imagine living with myself if I bit Charlie.

Edward sat beside me in Carlisle's office, tracing invisible circles with his thumb on the back of my hand that was intertwined with his. Each circle made the electricity between us multiply exponentially, sometimes making me forget that I was sitting in the office with Carlisle. I could only see Edward. _Focus, focus_, I kept repeating in my mind. It was critical that I don't miss a single detail of the plans to see my father again, or things could end very badly. But the nerve endings in my hand didn't want to cooperate. The normally cool skin where he was tracing was on fire, and I stole a glance at him out of the corner of my eye.

I felt my jaw drop open just the slightest, again, in awe of the magnificent creature sitting to my left. _FOCUS!_ I was losing my concentration again. Carlisle leaned back in his chair, crossed one arm over his stomach, and placed the end of his pen to his mouth, clearly deep in thought. Edward was listening intently to what was going through Carlisle's head, when Jasper knocked softly and opened the door.

"Is there anything I can help with?" He turned to me with a devious smirk on his face, and I knew then that he could feel what I felt.

I ducked my head and pulled my hand away from Edward's, hoping to calm whatever had gotten into me today. It had been a while since just his touch had made me feel like this – since before he left. This was completely new. Sure, I used to have dream after dream of what his cold hands would feel like on my warm body, how his chest and neck would taste against my lips, and how it would feel to be intimate with him. But I hadn't felt that way since he returned, and it was all coming back to me. Was I really healing?

"Bella?" Jasper's taunting voice broke through my day dream. Damn distractions, what did he ask?

"No, no, I'm fine. We're just…going over the details."

"Sure, good idea. Well let me know if you need anything." He smiled once more at me and I heard the door click behind me after what I am sure was a taunting chuckle.

Carlisle and Edward discussed the different scenarios and ways to prepare for the unknown for another half hour before we finally left Carlisle's office. Edward was clearly worried, which was no surprise to anyone, but he insisted on giving us a week or two to prepare. He, with Alice's help, vowed to work with me on playing the part of the fragile, human Bella. As we got up to leave Carlile's office Edward grabbed my hand again as we walked down stairs toward the living room.

"So," he smiled that relentless smile again, "Jasper was…distracting…" The tone of his voice rose just slightly at the end of his sentence, forming it into a have declaration, half question. This was probably as shocking for him as it was for me.

"Damn vampires and their super powers." I turned my face away from him, embarrassed at what he'd heard through Jasper, but so thankful that he couldn't hear all of the details of what I was feeling and thinking.

He pulled my arm back toward him, whipping me around to face him. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, so that every inch of our bodies was touching. He locked his eyes on mine, and leaned in to kiss me. He stopped just short of my lips.

"Distracting in a good way, love." And he kissed me roughly, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth, our lips moving in rhythm. He tasted like honey, sweet and irresistible. I moved my hands up his back underneath the fabric that kept his perfectly-chiseled muscles hidden. I felt the strong muscles in his back flex as he let out a soft moan, and I moved my hands to his waist to pull him tighter to my body. I wanted him, right there on the stairs. And I knew he'd let me if I wanted him to. I was slowly losing grip on my self control, and I had to stop now.

"Edward…" It came out as a mumble, as my lips were still pressed tightly against his. I broke away from the magnetism that kept our lips connected, "Stop."

"No." His breathing was fast and heavy, well for a vampire anyway, and he kept his firm grip on my waist. "Bella, don't stop."

I smiled as sweetly as I could muster, hoping it would wipe away the hurt look on his face. "Edward, on the stairs? Really?"

He smiled back, "Well, we could move elsewhere." He lifted my feet out from under me, and carried me up the stairs to the third floor landing, kissing me the entire way.

Everything suddenly felt wrong, this was too fast. All of the hurt from the past two years came rushing back, and I knew I couldn't do it. I hadn't forgiven him for what he'd done to me, and I didn't want everything to happen this way. I wanted to be whole again. "Wait, stop." His hand paused on the door knob of his bedroom door. "I…I don't want this." I felt his shoulders drop in defeat as he placed my feet back on the floor. "I'm sorry."

He took a deep breath and kissed my forehead. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I should have controlled myself. I'm sorry. I just…miss you."

"I know. I miss you too. I just want things to be perfect. Like they were…"

"Before I left." He wrapped me in his strong arms, and held me close to him. "We have forever, love. There's no hurry."

He let go of me, and I followed him slowly down the stairs.

Alice and Jasper were entangled on the couch when we got to the base of the steps, Jasper was whispering to her softly, and she was giggling her high-pitched Alice giggle.

"Jasper, please." His tone was disgusted, and I knew immediately what they were discussing.

"Really, Jasper?" I was furious. It was bad enough to be surrounded by someone who could feel what I was feeling, but for him to share it with the rest of the family was maddening.

Alice sat up quickly, "Bella, I've been worried about you. I've been asking Jasper to keep an eye on how you are feeling. If you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me."

"Alice, those are private feelings, and I don't want them announced to the entire family. It's hard enough dealing with this on my own, I don't need people intruding on my feelings too."

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have, but I want you to be okay." She paused. "And it looks like you are." She said this almost apologetically, shrugging her shoulders and she spoke.

"Alice, please stop. This is between Edward and me. I don't need someone keeping tabs on me, but I'm grateful for your concern."

She looked hurt, but I left it at that. It really was none of her business, regardless of her intentions.

"Guys, do you mind if we had a moment?"

Jasper turned toward her, "Sure, we'll…go upstairs with Emmett."

Edward looked down at me, asking with his expression if I wanted him to stay. "I'll be fine." I kissed him on the cheek before he turned toward the staircase with Jasper.

Alice shouted after him, "That means no listening, E."

I walked over to the white couch and sat down, crossing my legs and facing my sister. She reached out and took my hand, holding it in both of her own.

"I really am sorry, Bella, I just worry about you. He's been back a while now, and things are still so tense. I just want you both to be happy." She looked down, guilt washed over her usually excited face.

"I know, but having Jasper _spy_ on me isn't exactly what I need. Please let this be between me and your brother. I promise things are getting better, and you can ask me about it whenever you want. Just let us work on it without your interference."

"From now on, I will, I promise. I'm sorry. I love you, and I'm so happy that you're my sister." One half of her mouth curled up into the sweet smile I was so used to seeing on Alice's face. She leaned forward to hug me, and then sat back on the couch.

"I love you too, Alice."

As it started getting dark, the gloomy sky turned from light grey to dark grey, and finally to black. A light fog settled in the opening surrounding our house, and the sounds of the forest life were silent. The house was finally quiet: Alice and Jasper playing chess, Carlisle at work, Emmett upstairs watching a movie with Rosalie, and Esme in her office, working away at her latest project. I was lying on the couch in Edward's arms: I was reading, and he was playing with a single strand of my hair, weaving it between his first and second fingers.

He dropped my hair, and reached around me, folding down the corner of the page I was on, and closed the book. He placed it on the coffee table, and took my hand in his. He stood up, pulling me with him, and held tightly to my hand as he walked us over to the piano. He sat down in the middle of the bench, and guided me down next to him, sitting side-by-side – just like we used to.

He placed his hands on the keys, and played the first few notes; I recognized it instantly. It was my lullaby. The lullaby that he'd composed what seemed like a lifetime ago for me. The lullaby that he used to hum to me at night, sending me straight into a coma-like sleep. The lullaby that played in my head every day that he was gone.

Everything changed right there in that moment. I forgot about expensive Mini Coopers, I forgot about missing Charlie, I forgot about alienating the only family I had now, I forgot about the meadow, I forgot about wrestling and beating Emmett, Alice and Jasper invading my privacy, or Rosalie accepting me into the family. I forgot about Edward abandoning me.

It was just him and me now, sitting at the piano, listening to the song he'd written for me – the surroundings disappeared. It was a new beginning for us, a place to start over. Somewhere between his return and now, I'd forgiven him for leaving me. Each note he played was a promise that he'd be with me forever, and I listened to each and every key played and believed each one. I felt a sense of belonging; I belonged here with Edward, with this family, in this house. This was how it was meant to be, but fate had stepped in the way and altered the course. We were back on the intended path now, heading for the future that was laid out for us the minute I arrived in Forks, Washington.

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**A/N: Please review and tell me what ya think! You guys are great!**


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